My dream is not your dream.

“I wish I had your life.”

“Must be nice to travel as much as you do.”

“You never stay in one place for too long.”

“How come you are gone all the time?”

Different people have said these exact sentences to me – on various occasions – over the past 6 months. What seems sincere is often overpowered by resentment, a bit of sarcasm and a tone I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s like a backhanded compliment or a friendly jab. I think these people mean well, but their words always seem to stick with me for longer than they should.

But what I have come to realize recently is that people say these things because I have decided not to live my life by society’s standards.

I graduated from Northwestern – twice – and according to society I am supposed to be sitting behind a desk everyday. But instead I choose to continue to play a sport I have loved for the last 20 years.

According to society, I am supposed to dress in a suit everyday and work from 9am-5pm, Monday through Friday. But instead I choose to wear a swimsuit and answer emails on the beach at 1pm in the afternoon.

At the ripe age of 24, according to society, I’m supposed to be in love with someone and “settling down” behind a white picket fence. But instead I choose to travel the country impacting young women and sometimes I wonder if I will ever find someone who won’t force me to ‘settle down,’ but who will run to keep up. 

What I fear – truly fear – is that it hurts people to see me live my life the way that I do.

But today as I sat on my towel looking out over the water at 1pm on a Monday I realized that their words were not intended to upset me – they were meant to comfort them.

I AM LIVING THEIR FEAR.

I AM A WALKING IMAGE OF WHAT THEY WERE TOO SCARED TO PURSUE.

The leaps of faith.

The unwavering courage.

What it means to follow my heart.

What it looks like to live with passion.

Journeying through the unknown.

Living without boundaries and trusting my own being as my only safety net.

That’s why they say what they do.

It hurts them to watch me live.

Those on the outside looking in see a new city every weekend, the ocean views from the Pacific to the Atlantic, the batting cages and facilities all over the country, the kids at clinics and a few nights out on the town with my friends. Those on the outside – and more importantly those who really know me – constantly see fun, laughter, happiness, experience and pure joy. Because I make these things a priority.  

I tell people all the time “I’m living the dream.” And that is not a lie.

But what would be a lie is if I told you that I walked right out of college with the intention of living this way. What would be a lie is if I told you I didn’t lie awake every night constantly filling my brain with fear. What would be a lie is if I told you I got to where I am today all by myself. Because none of those are true and I do not have life figured out.

You see, I am terrified. We all are terrified. The world is a scary place and you never know what can happen. But you can either let your fears control you or you let your fears fuel you. My support system taught me the latter after I spent way too many years succumbing to the former.

***

We all have the power to decide how we choose to live our lives.

And you have to remember, MY DREAM IS NOT YOUR DREAM.

I’ve decided over the last 6 months I am making time for what brings ME happiness in life: ocean views, impacting young athletes, building relationships and playing softball. I schedule my life and work around these four things; I don’t schedule these four things around my work. And there is absolutely no doubt that your four things are different than mine.

And that's okay, because my dream is not your dream. 

BUT I DECIDE.

I GET TO DECIDE HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE.

So for me, I used my degrees and playing experience to start a company where I literally get paid to impact young girls across the entire country. I literally hit a yellow ball straight into the ground and run fast.  And I use my degrees and playing experience to grow the coaches association of our sport. And I use my degrees and playing experience to strengthen the slapping world in the Chicagoland area.

I DECIDED this is how I was going to live my life. 

Because role models are those who do, not those who preach. How can I tell young women to live out their dream if I am not living out my own?

So often we rely on excuses or insecurities or possibilities that things might not work out the way we want them to. So often we live in the “what if” … we live in FEAR. But we all have fears and we are all learning how to deal with them. So if you want to live without fear you just have to decide to do so.

I overcame my own fear by deciding my desire to truly be happy was far greater than my fear of what could happen if I failed. (And don’t get me started on the subjectivity of failure.)

I DECIDED I was going to find a way to make a living doing what made my heart burn every morning.

I DECIDED I was going to find a way to lay down every night so damn tired because I was emotionally exhausted giving kids every ounce of me I had to offer.

And I DECIDED I was going to schedule my life around what makes me happy and then figure out how to ‘pay the bills’ between the smiles.

And by doing that, I managed to smile while paying the bills knowing my happiness was already taken care of.

So from this day forward, I won't allow your words to penetrate me anymore. 

And the next time someone says “I wish I had your life,” in that resentful tone, all I’m going to say is:

“If my strength intimidates you, I hope you realize that’s a weakness of yours.”

Always with a smile,

@EAllard24