Showing up.

I had anxiety all morning about heading to therapy yesterday. A recommendation that had been made to me not once or twice, but for the last two years from various people. After several months of denial and procrastination - and some consistent nudging from my family and friends - I made an appointment. Walking in, the waiting room was filled with sounds of ocean waves. 

Ahhh there’s the universe, again, showing out for me. 

And just like every trip I take to the ocean, I knew I needed to be there.

I knew I waited two years too long to be there. 

“What issues would you like to address during therapy?”

It took me no time at all to list them out:

1) The unexpected loss of my 23-year playing career; my identity
2) Continued, daily issues of post-concussion symptoms
3) How to tell the entire story of my life post-June 14, 2016 and why sharing it matters
And last but not least, if you really know me well, I felt this was as good a time as ever to get this part addressed, too: 4) "Puking phobia” (LOL)

It took me two years to get to this point: walking in the door of a stranger's office vulnerable enough to say, "Help me." This isn't something my friends can fix with a phone call. It's not something my family can fix with hugs and love. This is something - I am something - I need to fix. I need the attention and help of someone objective, someone qualified and someone so far removed they don't even know what "runners in scoring position" means, to help me move forward. 

It took me two years to find the courage to show up. 

And walking through that door felt just like walking into the ocean.

Calming.

Freeing. 

And therapeutic. 

"Better"

“How’s your head?” 

My least favorite question to answer since June of 2016.

It still hurts. 

Every day. 

Every day my brain reminds me that it’s not quite right. 

That it hasn’t gone back to “normal.” 

That it probably never will to some extent. 

But people don't want to hear that. 

People don’t want to hear your struggle. Everyone struggles. There's people who have it worse. 

But that does not mean your pain is not real. That does not mean your pain does not matter. 

‘Just try not to sound like you’re complaining,’ I tell myself every time I’m forced to answer that dreadful question. 

“It’s okay,” is the safest answer that comes out of my mouth. I always manage to say it with a smile, you know, to trick ‘em.

Those who know me read right through the lie. 

Those who don’t at least get the idea that we don’t have to go any further. 

“Glad you’re doing better,” they’ll say.

Ahhh yes, “better.”

Let’s analyze “better,” shall we?

Did I work out this morning? If so, I’ll probably have a headache by 7am. 

Did I sprint, elevate my heart rate too high or put my head below my chest/butt like a burpee? If so, that headache will last until I fall asleep. 

Sleep – the only true recovery for concussions and post-concussion symptoms.

Did I drive too far?

Listen to music too loud?

Read too much?

Did too many people try and talk to me at once? 

Have I stared at my computer for too long? 

My phone too long?

The TV too long? 

Did I focus during a conversation too hard?

Did I happen to do one or more of these in the same day…? 

*grabs an ice pack, shuts off all the lights and sounds, pulls out my emergency pill bottle, goes to sleep at 7pm two and a half years after I hit the fence.

Ahhh yes, “better” they say to me, as if walking, talking and smiling means people are pain-free. 

“Adjusting” I say to myself, as I continue working toward acceptance in my new “normal.” 

It's time to stop talking and start acting.

It’s no secret, my feelings about the National Pro Fastpitch league. I have been vocal from the start amongst my teammates, my coaches, our owners, our front office staff – and the league office itself – about my ideas and my thoughts on how things are run, what could change and what could be better. I have had so many enlightening, constructive conversations with higher ups in the Bandits organization, with the Pride, Scrap Yard, Akron players, Rebellion players. My rookie year I went to opposing teams’ hotels when they came to Rosemont to interview them on what they loved, and wanted to change, about the league. I still have that footage. 

It’s also no secret how much I want this league, its platforms, these teams and these women to succeed, to thrive, to GROW.

But, I’m tired of talking. 

I’m tired of players coming to talk to me instead of using their own voices, their own platforms.

I’m tired of complaining.

At our championships in 2016 during a four-hour rain delay, in which the fans in attendance received no information from championship personnel, I went up to the press box in search of a microphone. I simply wanted to thank the fans for sitting out the rain, supporting our league and bringing their families to watch us role models in action. As I was handed a mic by the play-by-play announcer, I was promptly halted trying to leave the booth.

“Where are you going with that?” I was asked.

“Down to the field to thank the fans,” I said.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea…”

I paused, so confused at how that could possibly not be a good idea, and I’ll never forget these next words, “…I don’t want you to ruffle any feathers.”

RUFFLE ANY FEATHERS?! 

I ran out of the booth -- mic in hand -- and went down to the field before anyone could catch me. I spent 45 seconds on the mic, thanking the fans, commending their support of us, hoping they would stay just a little bit longer to watch us play it out until someone (turned out to be us) raised the trophy.

I received so many compliments from the fans that evening. “Thank you for speaking to us, for thanking us, for valuing us.”

I’m tired of people not wanting to “ruffle any feathers.”

So here I am, about to do just that. I have written what I hope are easy, low-cost, actionable items to impact this league. To turn this ship around. To no longer “survive and advance,” but to grow and sustain.

This is not a blame session as I have singled out everyone, including us players. Because it is going to take literally everyone to see professional softball where we all want it to be.

So here goes, and I only ask one thing in return, if you agree with even just ONE THING, share it, post about it and then GO DO IT.

But, if you disagree with even just ONE THING – AND THAT IS WELCOMED – you better share it, post about it and then tell me why and everyone else what your idea, action or better solution would be. Do not come at me with pointless words – come at me with actionable items.

For the players:

•Come together.

We all want the same things: growth, sustainability, the opportunity to make a comfortable living. We can be competitors on the field, but off the field we need to unite for the betterment of the game and its future. There are a few of you that have risen to the top, be it a million dollars or an agent representing you or endorsement deals, etc. The best leaders rise by lifting others. Help us ALL grow. Information is power and collectively we do not have enough information.

Action: Share your connections. Share your agentʼs info. Share your (blank) endorsement/player contracts. We don’t need dollar amounts; we just need to be informed. Share, share, share.

•Be courageous.

We are all thinking it, trust me, I know. Many of you have come to me with your thoughts, but who is going to speak up? Who is going to act on their words? Who is going to organize the players? Who is going to say enough is enough?

Action: Have group meetings when teams are in town. Discuss your ideas, discuss your plans and then unite together and take a stand. There is power in numbers.

•Use your voice.

Many of you decided to speak out when Scrap Yard left the league a few weeks ago, but where were you all before that happened? It shouldn’t take a big event to spark some outrage. We’ve been talking behind closed doors for YEARS! Are you looking for permission to speak up? Granted. Do you not think you have the credentials to back it up? Do your homework and research your facts and stick to your strengths.

Action: We might not have a ‘formalʼ voice within the league, yet, but we sure do have a microphone. Use it. Donʼt worry about saying the “right” thing or even the “wrong” thing, worry about staying silent and allowing the madness to continue. You don’t have to have all the answers, but you can start the conversation.

•Branch out from softball.

Yes, it is what we love. It is what we eat, sleep and breathe. But in order to grow the way we want we have to find fans we don’t already have. As often as you give clinics and lessons, get to schools, other youth leagues, girl scout troops and local communities. Tell someone about the NPF every time you get on an airplane. There are hundreds of thousands of little girls who havenʼt even discovered softball yet. Letʼs go find them!

Action: Visit one new school/group a month. Bring plenty of free (or BOGO) tickets when you visit. Be prepared for excuses (money, transportation, conflicts) as to why they can’t come to a game or watch online. See if you can work with your owners and GMs to eliminate as many obstacles as you can think of prior to going.

•Build your brand and market yourself.

You know your social media followers the best. And while your following does not define you, you can certainly use it as a marketing vehicle. Stay true to yourself, but know thousands of eyes are watching you. Be someone a parent wants their daughter to idolize – and please know that has nothing to do with your athletic talent. The league canʼt work to sell our value if we donʼt work to promote our worth.

Action: Find your niche. Find your purpose. Video/promote yourself (humbly). Build your brand. And never, ever take your platform for granted.

For the fans:

•Make it a point to get to a game, and when you do, bring a (new) friend.

Word of mouth is the most proven and effective marketing tool.


Action: Bring someone who you don’t normally attend with. And then have them bring a friend, too. Host your office party at a game. Make friends with the new people sitting in the seats around you… convince them to come again.

•Put your money where your mouth is.

Everyone has an opinion and you are certainly entitled to it. It is also hard for the league to have the funds to make improvements if you are not supporting with your dollars in the first place.


Action: Pay for, and watch, the stream/channel/Facebook Live/game in person. THEN, send in your comments -- as a paying customer -- on how to make it better (stream announcers that can pronounce names correctly, know the game, camera angles, quality, etc.)

•Be a part of the solution.

MANY -- if not all -- of you work in business; i.e. you know what pieces go in to making a successful one. What ideas do you have for the league? What helped drive your sales? How did you market your latest product? What did you invest in? What is your area of expertise that could benefit the league?


Action: Can you offer one product/service/piece of advice (an actionable item) to the league/team/players? What is ONE thing you could contribute to outside of purchasing a ticket or retweeting a post?

•Support the companies that support softball.

It is no secret that sponsorship is lacking in womenʼs professional athletics. It is also no secret that the typical “chicken and the egg” case is used: companies need eyeballs and butts in seats to invest and the league believes it needs investment dollars to be able to provide eyeballs and butts in seats. You see our problem?

You have to remember that there are many, MANY other avenues where companies can target large quantities of families, females and athletes other than the NPF. That’s why it is our job to prove that not just softball, but women’s professional softball, can bring them something different, something better, something more. It is not their obligation to support us just because “they should.” We all know that’s not how business works.

Action: The best thing a fan can do to ensure corporate buy-in is prove to the companies that their investment is worth it. Be a pair of eyeballs, be a butt in the seats, be a blip on their sales numbers OR don’t purchase from companies that do not support softball as a whole. Let your actions (and your money) speak for itself.

For the general managers/front office staff:

•Tell our stories.

There are little girls who are dreaming of being in our shoes. Show her what it took. Show her itʼs not perfect. Show her how it can be done.


Action: Document. Video tape. Photograph. Get fans behind-the-scenes and tell our real story. Itʼs not all HRs and perfect games... itʼs the swings AND misses, the loss before the win streak, the injuries, the pursuit without knowing the outcome. Share the grind AND the glory. Show her what happens when you don’t give up.

•Continue to build your community footprint.

Our biggest obstacle will continue to be awareness. A day spent spreading the word is a day well spent.


Action: Get to the schools. Get to the local businesses. Get to organizations and groups outside of softball. Get to the youth league opening ceremonies. Give tours of your facility. Give a face to the team.

•If boys can, we can, too.

Independent and minor league teams can be successful in the middle of nowhere, so we can be, too.
Part of the allure of other sports teams is the experience, not necessarily just the product on field. There are so many people who attend sporting events who are not actively engaged in the game (hello Cubs fans prior to 2014)!

Action: What are you doing between innings? Is your PA announcer engaging? Are you entertaining the crowd? Are you promoting your role models and their qualities off the field to the best of your ability, while they are actively playing on the field and while you have a captive audience? i.e. trivia, contests, videos, quick highlights, documentaries, volunteer work, clinics, etc.

For the owners:

First off, thank you. Because without you none of our opportunities would exist. So,

•Be transparent with us.

Weʼre not naive, we know owners are losing money funding our teams and salaries. And that is why we are SO GRATEFUL to you. Let us in. Let us help. You know the majority of us would do anything for you.

Action: Tell us we donʼt need eight uniform combinations. Tell us how much money we save when we drive 12 hours instead of fly. Then, tell us how we can help you break even. What revenue streams/expenses are you concerned with the most. How can we help? Where can we cut back?

•Put the game first, always.

Professional softball does not make money, yet, so our motives should not be based on money. Now, I understand money will always be a factor and a concern, but we’ve already tried to “make it” doing our own things and where has that got us as a group? I sure hope that one day the NPF is as profitable and successful as the MLB, but we are never going to get to that point as a fragmented and divided front.

Action: Constructive criticism is vital to success, but so is compromise. What battles are you fighting that aren’t worth the time, resource or effort? What battles are time-consuming, resource-draining and full of effort that could be game changing, but you are not fighting? 

•Tap into your connections outside of the sport.

Can you whole-heartedly say you’ve asked anyone and everyone you know who has money, influence or power to help grow women’s professional softball? For those you have asked, has anything changed (hopefully, a lot) since the last time you asked them?

Action: Ask again.

For the league:

•It takes money to make money.

What resources are we truly investing in? And when moved forward, are we executing them to the best of our ability?


Action: Conduct a self-audit of your public offerings. Any facet of the league that touches the audience, the viewers, the followers, the corporations… is it consistently done to a high standard? Is it an example of putting our best foot forward? Does it truly represent the young women playing their hearts out and their worth?

•Whatʼs our vision?

Is it public? Is it shared everyone? Is it understood amongst all owners? We all have dreams, but whatʼs our reality? Whatʼs attainable? “Survive and advance” is already taken by March Madness... we need to embody something different. Do we have a long-term business plan? A marketing plan? A media plan? A growth plan? 5 years? 10 years?

Action: Can we see them? Did you consult any of the players about it? Teams? Owners? Investors? Has it changed in 10 years?

•You’re not in this alone. Let us help.

Who have we contacted outside of the softball world? Whoʼs been there before? How many outside people have we truly let in to our world? I donʼt have to tell you that there are so many people that want to see womenʼs professional softball succeed... so why are we not letting them help? Heck, some might even have great ideas!


Action: Invest in great people, first. People of different backgrounds, different experiences (maybe not all in softball) and of different success stories (someone who has been there, changed that) are great starting places. Do we have an advisory panel? A group of outside voices? An objective board who just wants to see women’s professional softball thrive and can weed out ulterior motives?

And, where’s the platform to help you see this vision through? I was once on a Player’s Council call that consisted of the league speaking for 50 minutes and the players asking questions for five. Where’s our open forum? Communities, school boards, youth leagues and a whole lot of other organizations have open meetings, brainstorming sessions and the like. Even major companies have focus groups with little kids. Let’s gather information, data, feedback and THEN work to weed out whatʼs irrelevant, what’s venting, what’s not constructive, etc. We canʼt grow if only two or three people are running a league. It takes a village and we’ve been knocking for years. Let us in. 

•Embrace constructive criticism and be transparent.

If weʼre all in this together, and weʼre all here for the same reason, and we all want the same thing, why are there so many unknowns? Why does everyone have the same questions? Why do we keep making the same mistakes?


Action: Keep us informed. Tell us WHY idea “x” canʼt work/hasnʼt worked... the good ones will keep brainstorming, keep challenging, keep pushing. It doesnʼt matter who the idea comes from, what matters is that the NPF is around in 2030, that 9-year-old Susie can make a living wearing an NPF jersey in 2030 and that our owners are past breaking even in 2030.

•#ItsTime to stop pointing the finger.


There is still so much left within our control that we can clean up before we continue publicly bashing major corporations for not supporting us. Also, there’s corporations that WANT to be a part of the league but are not ready to meet you at your current threshold.

Action: See all of the above and then, create tiers of sponsorships. Get rid of your minimum threshold. We need everyone and we are not in a position to price people out. Just because major corporations have millions (or billions) in marketing budgets – and just because we know we are worth that much -- does not mean that they have millions of dollars for women’s professional softball. And quite frankly, we haven’t proved what we think we’re worth yet from an ROI standpoint. We are not in the driver’s seat in this scenario. Work with them to find a middle ground.

And lastly, for the companies:

•Be transparent, too.

What metrics and qualifications do you need from us to get your buy in? What conversations are you having with your executives that are preventing them from pulling the trigger?

Action: Be straight with us. Tell us why the answer is no, but tell us exactly what we need to do to fix it. After all, we are athletes and we ATTACK weaknesses. It’s not your job to sponsor us because “you should,” it’s our job to prove to you that’s it’s a worthy investment. Make sure you are crystal clear in what a “worthy investment” looks like to your company. Leave no grey area in your communication so that we can adjust our course of action.

•Start small.  

Okay, so you don’t want (or can’t convince your boss) to go all in. Can we start with small building blocks?

Action: Buy an outfield banner. Support your local team for one night of promotions. Host your company outing at a Bandits game in the left field party deck. Donate a pair of season tickets to the local girl scout troop. There are ways that you can support our game and our players without committing to a league sponsorship. Then, while you’re at it, tell one of your sponsors to do the same ;) 

•Have the conversations.

So you see the value in women’s professional softball and the athletes that you know and love, but your boss and your executives don’t buy in, yet. Please don’t give up. Please don’t let our sport slip through their minds. We just need more time. More time to prove our worth in numbers. More time to get better at what we need to.

Please don’t give up on us yet.

Buy in because you believe in the power of sport.

Buy in because you believe in molding strong women.

Buy in because you believe little girls should have role models that look like them.

Buy in because you believe in equal opportunity.

Buy in because we will not quit.

And we will not allow you to do the same, either.

I thought I paid my dues.

“I thought I paid my dues.”

I can’t tell you the amount of times that phrase came out of my mouth this summer. After four surgeries in college, and now two more and a concussion in 2016, I really thought I had paid my dues (in terms of injuries, at least). I found that line to be the easiest way to cope with my situation this summer; the situation that seems to reoccur in some capacity every year.

I remember asking my family, closest friends and teammates why this kept happening? I never asked, “Why me?” I knew why. I could handle this. I have before and I will again. But I couldn’t help but ask, “Why again?”

I remember crying on the phone to my best friend saying, “GIVE ME A DIFFERENT OBSTACLE.”

“I thought I paid my dues.”

---

It seems like life continues to show me ways in which the game owes me nothing.

I was in the best shape of my life. I was prepared both mentally and physically to step on the field to excel. I put in the time. I put in the work. I made my game and conditioning my priority in the offseason. I was ready to step into a leadership role for the first time since leaving college.

I thought I was ready for anything.

And then I ran full speed into a fence. Literally did not see that one coming.

But that’s life, right?

Heading full speed in a direction you think is good for you. Heading full speed in a direction you chose for yourself… never knowing when you might slam into your next obstacle.

Because there will always be others.

They are always on the horizon, lurking at every turn.

Some mountains, some hurdles.

Some you can see and others that blindside you, literally.

“I thought I paid my dues.”

But “hard work” doesn’t guarantee success… it just guarantees you the work ethic needed to survive. And those who survive will always find a way.

So I finally found my silver lining.

I have paid my dues.

And that’s the only reason I know how to keep going.