I thought I paid my dues.

“I thought I paid my dues.”

I can’t tell you the amount of times that phrase came out of my mouth this summer. After four surgeries in college, and now two more and a concussion in 2016, I really thought I had paid my dues (in terms of injuries, at least). I found that line to be the easiest way to cope with my situation this summer; the situation that seems to reoccur in some capacity every year.

I remember asking my family, closest friends and teammates why this kept happening? I never asked, “Why me?” I knew why. I could handle this. I have before and I will again. But I couldn’t help but ask, “Why again?”

I remember crying on the phone to my best friend saying, “GIVE ME A DIFFERENT OBSTACLE.”

“I thought I paid my dues.”

---

It seems like life continues to show me ways in which the game owes me nothing.

I was in the best shape of my life. I was prepared both mentally and physically to step on the field to excel. I put in the time. I put in the work. I made my game and conditioning my priority in the offseason. I was ready to step into a leadership role for the first time since leaving college.

I thought I was ready for anything.

And then I ran full speed into a fence. Literally did not see that one coming.

But that’s life, right?

Heading full speed in a direction you think is good for you. Heading full speed in a direction you chose for yourself… never knowing when you might slam into your next obstacle.

Because there will always be others.

They are always on the horizon, lurking at every turn.

Some mountains, some hurdles.

Some you can see and others that blindside you, literally.

“I thought I paid my dues.”

But “hard work” doesn’t guarantee success… it just guarantees you the work ethic needed to survive. And those who survive will always find a way.

So I finally found my silver lining.

I have paid my dues.

And that’s the only reason I know how to keep going. 

How bad do you want it?

No, like really, how bad do you want it?

How hard are you actually willing to work to get what you want?

How many things are you willing to sacrifice to get what you want?

How long are you willing to go after what you want?

What happens when you get to the point where hard work isn’t enough?

What happens when every ounce of work you’ve put in up until this point isn’t enough?

Hard work doesn’t always cut it.

A good attitude doesn’t always cut it.

Hustle doesn’t always cut it.

It sure helps, but the game owes you nothing.

LIFE owes you nothing.

There’s no guarantee.

Because what happens when Plan A turns into Plan Z?

You get mad because it’s not what you wanted.

You get frustrated because it’s not what you worked for.

You get sad because it’s not what you envisioned.

You get mad because someone just took your place…

So how bad do you want it?

Because you have to earn it.

You have to be willing to do whatever is necessary,

For an undisclosed amount of time,

For a destination that is forever changing,

For a dream that never sleeps.

How many times are you willing to get knocked down?

How often are you willing to get out of your comfort zone?

How many mistakes are you willing to make?

How many times are you willing to “fail?”

How hard are you willing to work to get out of Plan B? Plan C? Plan Z?

How many times are you going to stand up when you get knocked down?

How many times?

When is your breaking point?

When will you be okay throwing in the towel?

When will you say "enough is enough?"

Well, the answer is easy:

How bad do you want it?  

I'm Tired.

I’m Tired.

I’m tired of fighting the same battle women decades before me fought.

I’m tired of having to prove my athletic talent and worth because I am female.

I’m tired of being compared to men on a daily basis.

I’m tired of people with uneducated opinions.

I’m tired of young children being influenced by those same opinions.

I’m tired of people who hide behind their computer screens voicing those opinions.

I’m tired of letting those opinions get the best of me.

I’m tired of decisions being made by money, not passion.

I’m tired of some men who think we are beneath them, but have mothers, wives and daughters who are “excluded” from those comments.

I’m tired of corporate America not seeing the value in women as decision makers – decision makers who SPEND MONEY on their families. 

I’m tired of making what one MLB player makes in a single at-bat, in 55 games total, simply because I wasn’t born with a penis. Yeah, I said it.

I’m tired, but I know I’m not the only one who’s tired.

I know I’m not the only one because there were women who fought before me.

I know I’m not the only one because there are women fighting beside me.

I know I’m not the only one because Title IX is real and so is the Equal Pay Act.

I know I’m not the only one because women are slowly infiltrating the corporate ranks, the Presidential ranks, the technology ranks, the science ranks, the anything ranks.

I know I’m not the only one because there are others like me.

Tired.

Tired of staying silent.

Tired of breaking through the same ceiling.

Tired of fighting the same fight.

Tired of the slow and painful…

progress.

I see progress.

I see fight.

I see grit.

I see perseverance.

I see relentlessness.

I see growth.

I see passion.

I see love.

I see hope.

I. See. Hope.

And I see opportunity.

And it is within arm’s reach.

I’m tired.

But I will never rest.

WOMEN will never rest.

Always with a smile,

@EAllard24

My dream is not your dream.

“I wish I had your life.”

“Must be nice to travel as much as you do.”

“You never stay in one place for too long.”

“How come you are gone all the time?”

Different people have said these exact sentences to me – on various occasions – over the past 6 months. What seems sincere is often overpowered by resentment, a bit of sarcasm and a tone I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s like a backhanded compliment or a friendly jab. I think these people mean well, but their words always seem to stick with me for longer than they should.

But what I have come to realize recently is that people say these things because I have decided not to live my life by society’s standards.

I graduated from Northwestern – twice – and according to society I am supposed to be sitting behind a desk everyday. But instead I choose to continue to play a sport I have loved for the last 20 years.

According to society, I am supposed to dress in a suit everyday and work from 9am-5pm, Monday through Friday. But instead I choose to wear a swimsuit and answer emails on the beach at 1pm in the afternoon.

At the ripe age of 24, according to society, I’m supposed to be in love with someone and “settling down” behind a white picket fence. But instead I choose to travel the country impacting young women and sometimes I wonder if I will ever find someone who won’t force me to ‘settle down,’ but who will run to keep up. 

What I fear – truly fear – is that it hurts people to see me live my life the way that I do.

But today as I sat on my towel looking out over the water at 1pm on a Monday I realized that their words were not intended to upset me – they were meant to comfort them.

I AM LIVING THEIR FEAR.

I AM A WALKING IMAGE OF WHAT THEY WERE TOO SCARED TO PURSUE.

The leaps of faith.

The unwavering courage.

What it means to follow my heart.

What it looks like to live with passion.

Journeying through the unknown.

Living without boundaries and trusting my own being as my only safety net.

That’s why they say what they do.

It hurts them to watch me live.

Those on the outside looking in see a new city every weekend, the ocean views from the Pacific to the Atlantic, the batting cages and facilities all over the country, the kids at clinics and a few nights out on the town with my friends. Those on the outside – and more importantly those who really know me – constantly see fun, laughter, happiness, experience and pure joy. Because I make these things a priority.  

I tell people all the time “I’m living the dream.” And that is not a lie.

But what would be a lie is if I told you that I walked right out of college with the intention of living this way. What would be a lie is if I told you I didn’t lie awake every night constantly filling my brain with fear. What would be a lie is if I told you I got to where I am today all by myself. Because none of those are true and I do not have life figured out.

You see, I am terrified. We all are terrified. The world is a scary place and you never know what can happen. But you can either let your fears control you or you let your fears fuel you. My support system taught me the latter after I spent way too many years succumbing to the former.

***

We all have the power to decide how we choose to live our lives.

And you have to remember, MY DREAM IS NOT YOUR DREAM.

I’ve decided over the last 6 months I am making time for what brings ME happiness in life: ocean views, impacting young athletes, building relationships and playing softball. I schedule my life and work around these four things; I don’t schedule these four things around my work. And there is absolutely no doubt that your four things are different than mine.

And that's okay, because my dream is not your dream. 

BUT I DECIDE.

I GET TO DECIDE HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE.

So for me, I used my degrees and playing experience to start a company where I literally get paid to impact young girls across the entire country. I literally hit a yellow ball straight into the ground and run fast.  And I use my degrees and playing experience to grow the coaches association of our sport. And I use my degrees and playing experience to strengthen the slapping world in the Chicagoland area.

I DECIDED this is how I was going to live my life. 

Because role models are those who do, not those who preach. How can I tell young women to live out their dream if I am not living out my own?

So often we rely on excuses or insecurities or possibilities that things might not work out the way we want them to. So often we live in the “what if” … we live in FEAR. But we all have fears and we are all learning how to deal with them. So if you want to live without fear you just have to decide to do so.

I overcame my own fear by deciding my desire to truly be happy was far greater than my fear of what could happen if I failed. (And don’t get me started on the subjectivity of failure.)

I DECIDED I was going to find a way to make a living doing what made my heart burn every morning.

I DECIDED I was going to find a way to lay down every night so damn tired because I was emotionally exhausted giving kids every ounce of me I had to offer.

And I DECIDED I was going to schedule my life around what makes me happy and then figure out how to ‘pay the bills’ between the smiles.

And by doing that, I managed to smile while paying the bills knowing my happiness was already taken care of.

So from this day forward, I won't allow your words to penetrate me anymore. 

And the next time someone says “I wish I had your life,” in that resentful tone, all I’m going to say is:

“If my strength intimidates you, I hope you realize that’s a weakness of yours.”

Always with a smile,

@EAllard24

The Other 60 Percent.

"If you had starting doing anything two weeks ago, by today you would have been two weeks better at it."

If there is one common thing I have noticed throughout the past 18 months of giving lessons and running clinics, it's the incredible amount of fear that comes along with playing sports.

Fear of making mistakes.
Fear of trying something new.
Fear of being uncomfortable.
Fear of what others will think.
And ultimately, fear of failing.

Fears, so many fears. I had them myself. I have them myself. As a player, as a woman, as a human. And boy, are they limiting.

Our head coach for the Bandits, Mike Steuerwald, stopped by my office the other week and told me a cool story about a specific Navy Seal. Long story short, he said that when you think you are done, when you think it is time to quit, when you think that there is literally absolutely NOTHING left in your tank, when you think you couldn't possibly go a STEP further... scientists have proved that you still have 60% left in your tank.

SIXTY PERCENT.

Your mind is a terrible thing. What you think is what you believe, for better or for worse.

But you know that, you've heard that before.

And here I am, a woman full of fears and a brain and heart trying to subdue them, with a platform designed to teach kids how to overcome their fears. I used to shy away from the fact that I couldn't possibly teach young women how to overcome their fears, or force them to make adjustments, or tell them it's okay to be uncomfortable, when I hadn't quite figured it out myself yet.

And then I made a mistake at a camp. I was demoing a drill one Saturday afternoon and I completely botched it. I did the opposite of everything I had just spent 20 minutes explaining to them. I wish I could have photographed their reactions. One was shocked, one smiled, one laughed, one looked nervous, one looked absolutely mortified (kids do the darndest things, you know) ... and that was a pivotal moment in my career as a clinician, in my career as an instructor, in my career as a player, but most importantly, in my career as a role model. How I handled that moment of failure in front of dozens of little girls -- who think I am superwoman as a professional athlete and make no mistakes whatsoever -- no doubt would change their perspective of me, of the game, of their failures and of life.

First, I laughed.
Second, I said, "Oh, did you think I don't make mistakes, too?"
Third, I asked them specifically what they saw that caused my mistake (making sure they were paying attention to the last 20 minutes)
And lastly, on my next swing I made every single adjustment they mentioned, and nailed it.

I followed up my swing with a simple question, "Do you think I got to where I am today, with this orange Bandits jersey on, without making mistakes?!"

And in that moment, I wish a second photograph was taken as relief -- pure relief -- showed across every single kid's face.

I am not perfect, nor will I ever claim to be, nor will I ever become perfect. But what brought me to this level is my ability to make mistakes and learn how to fix them. Set judgment of myself aside and focus on the process required to not make the same mistake twice. A process that took years to recognize, and then a few more to solidify. A process that took me from a good slapper who makes adjustments from each at-bat, to a great slapper who can make adjustments from pitch-to-pitch.

If you do not allow yourself the space to get uncomfortable, you will never make mistakes.
If you do not allow yourself the grace to make mistakes, you will never learn how to make adjustments.
If you do not allow yourself the ability to make adjustments, you will never know the difference between good and great.
And if you do not allow yourself to let go of the fear of the unknown...
The unknown that lies between good and great...

You will never find what might become of you in the other 60% of your tank.

"Fail fast. Fail often." Then adjust, and thrive!


Always with a smile,
@EAllard24

"I am [NOT] more than just softball."

"So, what do you do outside of softball?"

I have been asked this question quite a few times over the last few weeks, months and even years. This question has come from my friends themselves, or strangers I just met, but it is always asked in the sweetest, most inquisitive tone. My answer used to be, "I am more than just softball." I was always taken aback, at times defensive even, that people had the audacity to assume that my life only revolved around softball.

But after I was asked this question recently by one of my closest friends, and then again by a travel ball coach at a recent speaking engagement, I really got to thinking... What do I do outside of softball? And quite frankly it bothered me that I actually had to think about what I had done lately that didn't revolve around a yellow ball and four bases.

Since my senior year of high school, I have always had this stigma of people who eat, sleep and breath their sport. I felt that some people were so blind to the fact that there was so much else the world had to offer. And yet there I sat at 24 years old, thinking to myself what in the world had I done lately that didn't revolve around my sport. And that's when it hit me:

It's okay to be that person. 

In fact, I thought so hard I came to the conclusion that I want to be that person. Not the person who eats, sleeps and breathes softball, but the person who eats, sleeps and breathes the game.

Because that's all we as humans are trying to do, right? "Win" at this game called life. And what better way to excel at life than to learn how to excel at the game itself. You don't fall in love with the sport, you fall in love with the challenges, the setbacks and the adversity you face. And then once you make friends with the fear and the mistakes and the failure then you learn to celebrate the small victories, the big wins and your teammates. And then ultimately you experience pure joy, pure emotion, pure passion and pure love for the game... not for softball.

Without the game, I would not have met all of my friends.
Without the game, I would not have two degrees.
Without the game, I would not have started my own company with my best friend, who I met through the game.
And without the game, I would not have the platform to teach young women across the country how to play their game.

Because you see, the game is different for everyone. Whether we like to believe or not, we are not on the same playing field, we don't have the same skill sets, we don't have the same opportunities and we don't have the same experiences. But that's the beauty of the game. It teaches you how to overcome, how to persevere and how to excel. It teaches you strategy, goal setting and what it truly means to "play the odds" when you don't have all the pieces.

So now whether it be the next play on the field or the next decision in my career, I am prepared because the game has molded me into who I am, where I am, doing what I am, with the smile on my face that I just can't seem to ever wipe off.

So my life does revolve solely around softball. And I can't tell you what I've done in the last two weeks that hasn't been linked to softball in one way or another. But that's okay, because I am learning how to play the game. And the only way I'm going to excel at the game -- excel at the game of life -- is to practice in some way, shape or form, every day.

I'm on a journey to leave my mark on this great game of softball, but I'm also on a journey to leave my mark on the game of life. And if I can leave either of those two in a better place than when I found them, having my life revolve around a yellow ball was well beyond worth it.



Always with a smile,
@EAllard24